During a moment in the 2008 Presidential debate in New Hampshire between then Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, the question of likeability was raised which became one of the most memorable exchanges between the two candidates from the entire campaign.
In a question directed to Senator Clinton, WMUR-TV political director Scott Spradling asked: “What can you say to the voters of New Hampshire…, who see a resume and like it but are hesitating on the likability issue, where they seem to like Barack Obama more.” Senator Clinton replied, “He's very likable. I agree with that. I don't think I'm that bad.”
To which Senator Obama quipped, “You're likable enough, Hillary.”
I recall watching the exchange between them and wincing.
I didn’t “like” either candidate very much at that moment. Senator Clinton appeared weak and Senator Obama seemed somewhat callous to me.
Looking back on the debate between the future President and the future Secretary of State, one can only assume that the ability to be “likeable enough” was sufficient for the two of them to forge an uneasy working relationship in the Obama White House. While President Obama and Mrs. Clinton are certainly not the best of friends, they both were able to learn to put their differences aside long enough to govern.
The question of likeability remains one that vexes all nonprofit leaders, especially executive directors. Our role as chief fundraiser and face of the organization places high value on our ability to build relationships. Our work necessitates a fairly significant likeability skill set in ourselves and our coworkers. We need people to like us in order to be successful.
One thing that I’ve learned is that it isn’t easy to know if you are “likeable enough.” Of course your friends, your mother, your dog, your cat and your parakeet all like you. But, you don’t always get to work with the people who like you and who you like in return.
So what can we do to be likeable enough? And what, if anything, can we do about coworkers who might not be quite likeable enough to make an effective team?
First, two ground rules to keep in mind:
1. If you work at a nonprofit organization, there is a high probability that diversity is valued. Diversity requires respecting differences. A healthy nonprofit is by definition a diverse workplace. Your coworkers may well be likeable, but this does not mean that they are like-minded and they shouldn’t be. That’s boring and counter-productive. You can bet that President Obama and Secretary Clinton were not always on the same page. Yet, they still had to work with each other. In fact, they both chose to work with each other. There is a lot to be said about the value of mutual self-interest.
2. You cannot expect everyone you work with to be your friend.
I might also add a third ground rule:
3. If you happen to be the boss, chances are high that your staff will be your harshest critics. Perhaps not all of them, and certainly not all of the time, but when you’re the boss, being closely scrutinized comes with the territory. It is important to understand that those who work for you will not like all of your decisions and that extreme dislike often feels personal. When you are the boss there is a high probability that you will be unpopular and disliked at least some of the time.
In order to be likable people need to be able to trust you. Trustworthiness is of utmost importance for anyone who seeks a leadership role. If your staff and coworkers don’t feel a sense of trust toward you, they are not likely to follow you through the inevitable ups and downs of nonprofit work. Additionally, community stakeholders – your board, volunteers, donors and cohort of other nonprofits – also need to trust you.
So your first rule should be to insure that what you say is consistent with what you do.
Sounds simple enough, but it isn’t always easy to do. We often get tripped up by the simple things. As when you are in that grey area where you have to withhold information due to confidentiality or when a potential organization change is in the wind, but not quite yet a reality, the desire to “circle the wagons” and not say anything is tempting, but the wrong move. Every leader needs to recognize that clear communication is your best ally. Not full disclosure of an endless list of “what ifs” – but regular (and preferably in person) communication about what’s happening that will affect the lives of the people who work for you and with you and that you all seek to serve.
Likeable leaders are able to communicate effectively to the people they lead and build trust and credibility in the process. Your communication style should be factual, open and concise. If you have a sense of humor, use it to your advantage because it can be a great way to humanize yourself – but be careful with humor – you need to be mindful of cultural sensitivities. This might be a good question to run by your executive director friends if you aren’t used to using humor to illustrate a point or break the ice. Ask your peers to be brutally honest with you about your communication style and whether they think you are funny. If you aren’t steer clear because inappropriate or lame humor will undermine the credibility you are working to build.
It is also mandatory that you communicate information consistently across your team. It is divisive to tell one person a set of facts and other group something completely different. When you are building trust you need to show that you can be trusted and that you trust others. This means that everyone gets the same story and that there are no “insiders” and “outsiders.” One way to insure a dysfunctional workplace is to create an atmosphere of distrust by dividing up the people you work with and parsing out information. Doing so is almost guaranteed to create a workplace where no one trusts anyone and where the gossip mill runs wild.
The last likeable trait is authenticity. Likeable people are comfortable in their own skin. They understand their strengths, are aware of their weaknesses – which they acknowledge and are working to improve – and they are able to be vulnerable and human. They are uniquely and authentically themselves all the time.
Sometimes it is hard to know if we are truly being our authentic selves. After all, we can seem like one person with friends, one person at work and another person when we are with our families. Leaders have a tough time being vulnerable in a productive way. Too often our vulnerabilities cause us to feel weak and we are inclined to try to hide the parts of ourselves that we don’t like or that don’t fit into our carefully crafted image of who we think we should be as a leader. We often feel just plain unworthy to lead.
But our humanity does not diminish our authority. It actually makes it possible for the staff we are charged with leading to trust us.
Going back to that debate in New Hampshire, the exchange between Senator Clinton and Senator Obama is now seen as a pivotal moment in the 2008 campaign. Mr. Obama was riding a very nice lead going into the debate after a win in the Iowa Democratic caucus. But the debate changed how the people of New Hampshire viewed both candidates. Overnight, Mrs. Clinton was perceived as being more likeable due to her expressions of vulnerability and humanity and Mr. Obama suffered a defeat in part due to his being perceived as aloof, cold and distant from the people he was trying to convince to let him lead the nation.
These lessons of likeability are ones that all who seek to lead should take to heart.
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